| Once in a while the opportunity arises to think of our | | | | we've learned is that couples with similar values, |
| spouse instead of ourselves. These fleeting chances | | | | views, and energy levels attract each other. And it |
| don't come along very often, but when they do, and | | | | works both ways: negative, acerbic couples seem to |
| if we grab them, the warm and fuzzy feeling it | | | | enjoy sharing their harsh view of the world; positive, |
| infuses in our marriage makes it worth whatever the | | | | upbeat couples hang with those who share their |
| cost. Here are a few examples of events and | | | | optimistic, positive view. |
| opportunities we can look for to deny our own | | | | Some years ago Carly Simon sang about 'Anticipation'. |
| needs and wants inside our relationship, and to | | | | The song was atop the charts for several weeks, |
| enhance the quality of our marriage with very little | | | | and is still heard from time to time. It's likely that no |
| effort. | | | | single effort endears people to each other more in |
| We've heard for years that role reversal can be a | | | | relationships than the simple act of anticipating the |
| distressing thing, that when we step outside our | | | | others' needs. Many times I've been able to enjoy |
| assigned spot we invite all manner of disruption and | | | | the look on my wife's face when, as she enters our |
| discord. But what if we made the reversal something | | | | home after work, the exact meal she hoped would |
| of a routine, thereby lessening its impact? Say we | | | | be on the table actually is there waiting for her. It's |
| take turns cooking, or making grocery rounds, or | | | | moments like these that make a marriage endure. |
| even getting the car, lawn mower, furnace and/or air | | | | And it's all about anticipation. In addition, the effort |
| conditioner serviced. None of those items require a | | | | seems to be not only contagious, it also appears to |
| specific gender marker, and our mate will be | | | | be self-perpetuating. Call it marital telepathy: the more |
| astonished if we step outside ourselves, get over | | | | we anticipate our partner's needs and wants, the |
| whatever squeamishness we may have about any of | | | | easier it is to do the same next time. After awhile it |
| the tasks listed above and, as the ad says, "Just do | | | | seems to come naturally, like reading each others' |
| it!" The look on their face will be priceless. | | | | minds. It can get downright eerie after a string of |
| Ask them what they wish we'd stop doing. This | | | | such occurrences. Any number of times my wife and |
| one's tough; we have to be able to listen--we did | | | | I have experienced a similar urge to call each other |
| ask, after all--and what they tell us may not be easy | | | | with specific information, prepared a favorite meal |
| to hear. But they'll appreciate the gesture, and my | | | | we knew they'd want, or made arrangements to see |
| guess is, that every couple has things they'd like to | | | | or do something to please them--well before they |
| discuss with each other about minor irritants (or not | | | | asked for it. This could be a rather subjective |
| so minor). My other guess is that we already know | | | | method of determining the potential for longevity in a |
| the answer, and we're just getting them to confirm | | | | marriage: after a year, see how well the pair reads |
| what we suspect. In any case, the conversation is | | | | the others' thoughts, and judge from that. Instead of |
| always helpful, just for the communication if nothing | | | | the newlywed game, call it perhaps the first |
| else. Plus, then you get to tell them something! | | | | anniversary game instead, at which time the exercise |
| Don't be afraid to solicit advice and ideas from close | | | | can be performed, and a score tallied. |
| friends. My wife and I have been amazed at the | | | | Finally, not so much self-denial as |
| number of couples who seem almost embarrassed to | | | | distraction-denial--kids, television, computers, Wii, |
| celebrate their marriage. This self-consciousness | | | | hobbies, yard work, tasks of all sorts that can |
| about being together is pervasive, and, we believe, | | | | wait--these are the things that need to be secondary |
| corrosive to relationships. Asking others what works | | | | to a relationship. These are the things that our mate, |
| for them in terms of rituals, time together, bonding | | | | our best friend, may want us to put aside, but be |
| and communicating may elicit stares and stammering | | | | hesitant to ask for. Willingness to put them first is |
| from other couples, but it may produce some gems, | | | | always a win-win. Here's the deal: if we'd put those |
| too. We've been pleasantly surprised at the great | | | | things aside for our best friend--then we should do it |
| ideas couples have for sharing their love and | | | | that much sooner for our mate. |
| commitment to each other. The other gratifying thing | | | | |