| Sometimes my son gets ornery, and just won't leave | | | | great way to release feelings of frustration and |
| his sister alone. He'll poke or hit or verbally harass her, | | | | territorial impulses between siblings. Try jokingly and |
| and it drives both me and his sister crazy! I tell him | | | | dramatically encouraging them to compete over you |
| over and over again to stop, but he just keeps going | | | | in some way that won't hurt anyone, like seeing who |
| until I get really angry and blow up at him. There's | | | | can smack their lips the loudest and longest when |
| got to be a better way! | | | | they kiss your cheek or something equally benign. |
| My hunch is that when your son is hitting, his cortex | | | | Work it so they both win and you all end up in some |
| is probably not online. The cortex is the part of the | | | | kind of wrestling/tickling match (but not the kind of |
| brain that is responsible for compliance, self-restraint, | | | | tickling that lasts past the point that someone wants |
| logic, and reasoning, and it is not well developed | | | | it to stop.) Belly laughter is an awesome way to |
| enough in children to act as a consistently reliable | | | | release static in the nervous system, and the more |
| behavior inhibitor. | | | | you can facilitate it, the better everyone will feel |
| Since the cortex is the part that would be able to | | | | about each other. |
| implement your verbal instructions, and it's not running | | | | It's also good to talk with him about better ways to |
| the show right then, your words aren't likely to stop | | | | express his frustration after he's settled down and |
| him. If they do, it won't be for long. When he hits or | | | | feeling connected with you. Be sure you are also |
| invades her space again, he's telling you he needs | | | | allowing him to speak, even if it's just asking for his |
| your help stopping himself. So rather than using | | | | feedback about the suggestions you've offered. He |
| additional verbal reminders, take action. | | | | might say he hates them, or understands them, or |
| Step in and provide gentle physical restraint. Catch his | | | | whatever. The important thing is that it's not just |
| hand in yours and bring his arm close to you to | | | | you talking and him listening. Get him talking too. |
| prevent him from hitting her, while saying, I will keep | | | | Sometimes the only problem is the pent-up feelings |
| us safe or I will help you stop hitting, or I will help | | | | needing release. Once that happens, the other issues |
| you respect her space. Then let him demonstrate the | | | | often clear up on their own. So there may be no |
| intensity of his feelings by pushing against your raised | | | | remaining problem to troubleshoot. But if there is a |
| hand or some other kind of resistance you provide. | | | | concern or conflict that remains, or a pattern that |
| Offer him an outlet of your choosing to release any | | | | repeats with some predictability, go ahead and invite |
| static that has accumulated in his nervous system, or | | | | him to share his ideas about how to avoid it in the |
| just stay with him while he cries to discharge those | | | | future. |
| emotions. | | | | I think alone time with each child is always a good |
| His frustration may or may not be about his sister at | | | | investment. It doesn't have to be long - even just 20 |
| all. She may simply be a convenient target to release | | | | minutes is helpful. The idea is that the child gets your |
| it on. When he offloads the other stress in his | | | | full and complete attention for that time, with no |
| system, by pushing against resistance you provide, or | | | | agenda but theirs. Whether they want you to go |
| perhaps by crying tears of frustration at being | | | | bike riding or play trucks or dolls or whatever, they |
| restrained, he may feel fine about her again. So don't | | | | get to direct the play for that 20 minutes, and you |
| be too quick to assume that their relationship is the | | | | follow their lead. Some parents like to call it Special |
| source of the problem. It may just be the most | | | | Time, to distinguish it from the times you spend |
| convenient venue to release some pent up emotions. | | | | together that you won't be following their lead. It's a |
| If you think there might be some sibling rivalry going | | | | great way to top off their tanks regularly with |
| on, 'competitive' cuddling or wrestling can also be a | | | | positive attention. |